Best Limo Ride Ever!
The twenty five ladies who will compete for Ben’s heart have finally descended upon Southern California on this balmy night. Hope you enjoyed that limo ride, Ladies! It is probably the last time you will ride one on this show without crying uncontrollably 🙂
Okay, here we go. First, there is Lauren B. the flight attendant with an exciting life who is “so s
ingle, it’s so sad!” Lauren is gorgeous though so her version of so-single-so-sad is probably slightly more upbeat than mine. In any event, Lauren gives Ben little pilot wings, which is a cute and normal appetizer for the evening.
Next up is Caila, a software sales rep whose aura reads like a small ball of sunshine wrapped in larger ball of sunshine. Something tells me this woman is the right kind of romantic for this endeavor — hopeless — while also having a fun personality. Although she’s been wrong on love before (as in, she thought her last boyfriend was her Fate until she saw Ben come out of the limo on TV, and then promptly dumped said boyfriend), Caila is still stoked to see what Fate part 2 had in store for her. And with that she leaps right into Ben’s arms like the tiny jubilant butterfly person she is, in a way that is not available to us girls over the 5 ft 5″ threshold.
Now, before I introduce you Jubilee, our first MagicalBlackGirl, we need to talk about race just a little bit. Traditionally, the Bachelor franchise include 2-4 Black contestants to appease the masses and give the Bachelor or Bachelorette the opportunity to at least look like they would consider marrying a person of color. The three to five weeks in, we turn around and realize the Rose Rapture snatched up all the Black people when we weren’t paying attention. The show’s been going on long enough that we should know the drill. Any Black contestant who thinks they have a shot at being or winning the heart of the Bachelor(ette) or better yet make it past episode five, probably also still hasn’t accepted that Tupac is in fact DEAD and definitely not living in Mexico.
You see, Ian from Season 19 had three things standing in the way of his Bachelor candidacy: (1) he was an insufferable asshole; (2) he was an insufferable asshole; and (3) he was Black.
But Jubilee may just have the determination to turn this statistical boat around, folks. This army veteran may be young but she seems very determined to get her Ben, and all I think support war and flags is a thing that aligns with small town values.Plus, I need something improbably to believe in so I am willing to set my personal values aside and root for this girl until limo do us apart. Jubilee, your pick up line may be too long/not worth it for me to retype here, but know that I am on your hashtag team.
Next up is Mandi, the dentist from Portland, who is to be keeping the Bachelor Mansion weird. Besides being reallyyyy into guys who floss, Mandi also had the ovaries to waltz out of that limo with a ginormous red rose perched on her head. I can’t be catty here because this girl Owned Her Shit. Lovely white dress too. Too bad I have been conditioned to associate white outfits and giant red flow things with menstruation commercials?
I have a feeling Chris Harrison, who I insist is creepier than he lets on, had a heavy hand in the selection of our next contestants: 22 year-old, blonde, identical twins from Las Vegas (whose occupation is literally listed as Twins).
one is emily, one is haley, idk idc tbh
Ben heartily welcomes the
women girls with a Midwestern-sized group hug, and we hear him mumble as they giggle-and-skip away, “That’s uh- that’s good.” Methinks even the wolf salivated less than this at the sight of Little Red Riding Hood! Funny how cute twins make even the nicest men seem creepy, heh? hem walk away like the wolf watched the little red riding hood. Pretty cool how attractive twins can make a man of any age seem creepy!
“Can you outdo twins,” ask the twins into the camera as they erupt in synchronized laughter.
“Oh ye of little faith,” says Maegan from North Texas, as she walks in with the most cuddlable contestant/literal one trick pony of the night: a real mini-horse named Huey! OMGLOOGAT’IM. Twins: 0; Huey: 1.
Now it wouldn’t be a party without a gluten-free nutritional therapist, and who better to fill that gap than Breanne! Ah yes, Breanne. The gluten-free who — inexplicably — shows up with a basket of bread so she may “break bread” with Ben, and yet who — inexplicably — snaps at him when he asks if the bread has gluten in it. WHICH, IT DOES! “Shut up and eat the bread,” says Breanne in so many words. Are gluten-free people always this cranky?
Amanda shows up too who sounds decades younger than her age of 25, but is a real adult, in the world, with that voice. She is a divorced aesthetician who is also a mom of two super cute little girls, which I’m pretty sure is uncharted territory here as The Bachelor single parents traditionally have one kid tops — look at us bending all the rules here! Just kidding. Amanda appears to be raising her daughters in a super gender normative fashion, if her comment that she is looking for a Prince Charming to be a good role model for her daughters is any indication. Oh man, my face literally melted while I typed that sentence. Amandaaaa!!!! Oh, while we’re here. Poll: On what episode do we think Amanda drops the motherhood bomb? Four? Five? Also how soon before Ben lets her go to not keep her away from her children? Someone with compewterskillz please help me incorporate actual polls into my blogs?
Definitely not last and not least is our token named-after-an-object girl, Tiara, whose job description is “chicken enthusiast” and whose chickens are her “human babies.” I have mixed feels about Tiara because on the one hand, this is probably my storyline in 15 years after I squander my childbearing years on unproductive projects like this goddamn blog. On the other hand, I’m scared and angry that this is what happens when we let the bourgeoisie accumulate and pass down too much capital to their children. Tiara, 27, chicken enthusiast is what happens.
Just when you thought we’d get a season without a fucking lawyer, Samantha goes and passes the bar two minutes before popping out of the limo. Let us hope Ben is ready for some Forever After student debt to accompany that Forever After love. Honestly, those loans are probably a longer commitment than Amanda’s two children. Run, Ben, run! Also Sam’s dad died of ALS, which sucks and is super sad 😦 but not as super sad the one liner she fed Ben out the limo: “boxers or legal briefs?”:-(
Jennifer is small business owner from Ft. Lauderdale, FL, whose most exciting trait is that in the right lighting, she looks a little like Maya Rudolph pretending to be on The Bachelor.
Jami, our second MagicalBlackGirl, hails from Canada and says that season 20 Bachelorette and fellow Canook told her that Ben has a really really really big [. . . .] heart. I supposed a really really big [. . . .] heart makes a lot of sense for a man who stands at a towering 6 ft 4″ but thanks for looking into it girl!
Our next contestant is Lace, whose biggest fear is being forgotten by Ben H. It may have taken a couple of limos, but our Resident Villain has arrived. After making a totally chill entrance Lace plants a kiss on his cheek, making her the first to kiss Ben. It’s a nice first impression and the planner in me kind of want to see where this goes because Lace also lives in Denver, CO, so Forever After would actually be a very practical outcome in this instance. But for Lace to make it that far, we’re going to need her to consider drinking less of all the champagne because revealing your true, very cutting/very driven/very aggressive true colors — e.g. telling girls their boobies are too small and also some of them are dumb — isn’t gonna get us too far. Lace? Laaaace? Are you listening, bee-bee- girl?
Okay, we’ll give Lace a few minutes to Get It Together. Meanwhile, a girl with big lips comes out of the limo and just starts rattling to Ben than she knows everything about him from intensely following him on Instagram, but walks away without giving him her name. It seems strategic, in a Cinderella type of way although as Big Lips walks away, I wonder if Ben will remember to ask it.
Out of that same limo emerges Shoshanna, who does her entire intro in Russian. Although this might be okay for the first episode, cute even, I wonder how small town values might interact with foreigners from the former Soviet Union.
Next up, it is time for our token athlete girl. “HUT HUT HIKE!” Leah exclaims as she gracefully bends over to throw Ben a football and a pickup line that still does not entirely make sense to me. At this point, all signs point to Leah doing very well in whatever competitive athletic challenge will pit her against another woman for one-on-one time date. Let’s just hope she makes it past tonight’s cocktail party. And if not, we’ll always have this.
Just when I think the have reached our rock-bottom, Joelle makes an introduction heavy on the unicorn and light on the context, while Rachel shows up on a goddamn overboard that unfortunately does not self-combust before she reaches Ben.
Lauren H’s gimmick is to throw to Ben a bridal bouquet she allegedly, supposedly, coincidentally caught just this past weekend. Sure, Lauren. We believe you.
Izzy comes to the party in her pajamas — and out of her mind? — to see if Ben is the “onesie” for her, which Lace slyly tells us is “really fucking special. NEXT.”Someone please check on Jubilee; I’m concerned about just how far back her eyes rolled when Izzy sat down. It’s ballsy but not as much as the “Save the Date” card that Jackie, the gerontologist, hands Ben upon meeting him outside the limo. Ouph. These girls are buh-rave.
Laura, the account executive and authentic redhead representative of this season, tells Ben to call her Red Velvet if he forgets her name. There’s another (not genuine it would appear) redhead, Lauren Can’t-Keep-Track-of-the-Initials-Anymore, is also here.
And finally, Olivia the news anchor from Texas “who might cry she’s so emotional” stares into Ben’s eyes long enough to make us feel like I’m intruding by gawking at them like that. She loves traveling and “giving back” and gave up a good job to find something great.
After most of the Ladies have arrived, Ben calls his parents on the phone to tell them the girls are stunning and that the introduction could not have gone better. Awww — so sweet. These are the kinds of just-because dating check-ins my mama can only dream of. After the call, Ben rejoins the Ladies in the living room for the fun to begin. But before Ben has even finished his welcome speech, Mandi pulls Ben aside and insists on giving him an oral exam. Welcome to the Bizarro world of Bachelor cocktail parties.
Ben is handling everything like a champ, even though giving enough attention to twenty-five ladies at once seems hard. Just when we think we have seen it all, a surprise limo pulls up to the house. Ben has no idea what’s coming, who’s in it, and whether they too will be here for the Right Reasons.
If you will believe it, Fucking Becca — whose most interesting character trait is apparently her virginity — comes out along with Amber who has been on more season than may be healthy at this point. No one is more distraught by the appearance of Fucking Becca than Lace, who tortures herself by peeking behind closed doors as Ben greets the newcomer/relic from Bachelor seasons past.
As soon as she can, Lace “borrows” Ben from Jubilee and immediately demands a better kiss. Like a cat calmly rejecting a bowl of dry food, Ben politely tells her that he sort of wants to get to know everyone before getting swept up in the physical moment. He is, again, interrupted mid-sentence when Rose-on-her-Head Mandi steals Ben away, leaving Lace to simmer in her
drunken heightened emotions. As Lace retells it to other girls, she and Ben were “LITERALLY about to kiss” before the interruption, which sure seems like a generous take on that conversation.
Sensing blood in the water, the girls vulture around Lace just in time to hear her say she sees right through Mandi. “She is not here for Ben, she is here for drama,” Lace declares authoritatively. A few minutes later, Ben comes to the kitchen to find Lace and finish their conversation. Ben wants to let her know that she is gorgeous but that he wants to get to know her, first, and wanted to clarify things because he wanted to make sure she did not feel rejected. If you must ask, it was actually the fucking sweetest.
And before we know it – DUM DUM DUMDUM! Chris Harrison ominously deposes the First Impression Rose on the table. All of a sudden, the energy changes. Like when you’re ready to go for a jog and you open your email rull quick to find an email from Sallie Mae Student Loans. Y’now the feeling 😦
“How’s everybody doing?” Ben H asks before picking up the rose from the table and getting the fuck out of that Tension Chamber. I would wager the answer is something along the lines of “oh, like shit,” Ben.
But Ben’s head is elsewhere in that moment, as he plucks anchorwoman Olivia out of a group of girls in a separate room and gives her the First Impression Rose. It would seem Ben admires the fact that Olivia left her job for this. If you listen closely to Olivia’s side interview, you can hear say — before she says the rose humbles her — that she is pretty deserving of the rose because of her sacrifices. Which is, like, what?? Girl, all these beeshes left their jobs for this epic journey of love too. Emma go ahead and file this one to our Red Flag cabinet.
“gimme dat rose” – Joe
Now for the tough part. Who will make it past Night One?! Who will go home thinking that they will never be worthy of love? While I won’t go through the exercise of listing all the Ladies, let’s make a mental note that the first girl Ben calls for a rose was Lauren the flight attendant, which may mean something or maybe not at all, but hey, probably.
Statistically speaking, most of the above Ladies make it. Unfortunately, we have to suffer to several episodes of discussing Becca’s Virgin Identity, and Shoshanna refusing to speak English. Mandi the weirdest, but also maybe rudest, dentist that ever lived survives the first night too. Lace fumes and titters the entire ceremony and has almost convinced herself that Ben has forgotten about her, when he calls her name last. Not that I would know, but this probably feels as good as getting picked last on the basketball team in middle school.
Cinderella-no-name’s plan backfires as Ben likely forgets to call her name for a rose. Gluten-free Breanne has to go home too, with her little basket of poison bread. To our dismay, Laura the gorgeous gingerhead is sent home, which is so tragic considering that even Huey the mini horse made it through the first round. “He may not be into redheads,” Laura says incredulously. And although part of us is pretty sure Ben H picked Lauren the fake redhead to go through, we nod sadly and say a secret prayer to the unexpected twist of Fate/Hand of Chris Harrison so that Laura can come back later in the season.
And with this, bee-bees, the night is a wrap unless–
Oh wait, what is that?! Lace demands to talk to Ben with only 2 minutes of the episodes left?! Yes, true story. The ever indulging gentleman (see how quickly he’s growing on me?) allows her to take him aside. And let me tell. you. Lace is p-i-s-s-e-d.
“I feel like you didn’t look at me once during the whole thing,” says Lace. She really thought she was going home and importantly, again, he didn’t even look at her while he handed roses. Boo hoo. Ben seems tired and confused that this is A Thing and unconvincingly tries to make her believe he wants to keep her on the show.
Sure, Lace is probably right. Ironically, acting like a fucking time bomb the entire night likely earned her a ticket for one more week in paradise because Liability Girls keep us coming back for more. But hello! Ben’s never going to actually admit that he’s only keeping her because the producers are making him. So whyyyy do you insist on making us all uncomfortable right meow, Lace? URGH. And it is on this awkward note that we close up the evening’s festivities, and cut to the season’s highlights, which include:
– a hint that Jubilee-Jane (can we call her that?) and her itty-bitty chest tattoo will stay on long enough to make out in a hot tub with Ben. There will be tongue twisting under the stars, under rainbows, under fireworks, on boats, on planes, on hot air balloons, in theaters, in Paris (?!) and maybe even the Caribbean. Or just Florida if the season cheaps out like they did during season 18. Other things to look forward to: a black eye, the dreaded two-on-one date with possibly the twins (ouch), accusations and lies surrounding First Impression Olivia, “panic attacks,” and Ben bawling on some stone steps.
So saddle up cowpeoples! It’s gonna be a long ride.