Week 8: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner!

Greetings, bee-bees!

Welcome to the homestretch, with four girls left and at most two episodes left. Hopefully, you survived Week 7 without a recap. All you need to know is that Emily, occupation:”Twin,” was politely sent home after meeting Momma and Papa Higgins who were none too impressed by her youthful attitude. It was the end of the road too for boring ass Becca was sent, whose maiden vagina remained the most interesting thing about her even seven episodes in. This brings us to Week Eight  and my second-to-favorite leg of this never-ending magical journey after Fantasy Suite week: The Hometowns. This time around, Ben H. will be meeting the families of Amanda, Lauren, Caila, and JoJo.


We start near the ocean in Laguna Beach, which is the only possible someone who looks like Amanda can legally come from, I think. Someone drops off Amanda’s two little girls who are so freaking adorable my uterus could die. Ben is super patient and seems to genuinely enjoy playing with them, as Amanda’s eyes light up with admiration and hope. Thankfully, playtime wears them out and it’s back to birth control time as we witness the flip side of parenting: weepy children crying in the backseat all the way home. Amanda is in her element though and puts her toddler right to sleep much faster than tthe previous episode’s preview montage suggests (we see you, Chris Harrison, you shady shady bat!)

lemme tell you, i LIVE for those silver sandals! #werk

Amanda’s family is super welcoming and asks all the question one might expect of a gentleman entering the life of a young mother, and express so worry that he may not be ready for all this baby jelly. Ben doesn’t give too much away but says he’s open to the whole thing. The rest of the day goes smoothly and Amanda bids him farewell, feeling pretty top-notch about her chances of falling in love and snagging a baby stepdaddy.

Next in line to welcome Ben home is Lauren B., the flight attendant from Portland, Oregon. So far, Ben’s done pretty well with choosing Ladies from hometowns that aren’t a drag to visit (and I says this having grown up in Reno, Nevada so–). Lauren takes him to downtown and shows him one of the city’s “Keep Portland Weird” signs, which for some reason Ben finds hilarious. Oh my gash, someone please blow Ben’s mind and tell him that there’s like an entire show about it! Just kidding. We all know Ben has not befriended enough hipsters to get the jokes. Lauren takes Ben to some food trucks and later to a whiskey library that looks like a perfect place to make out.

spoiler alert: it is.

Lauren’s family is just as you would expect: wholesome, welcoming, worried, white. Mom encourages Lauren to go ahead and fall in love while Dad and Sister are a little more skeptical about the speed at which Lauren is catching feelings. But! By the end of the night, all seem taken in our Bachelor’s light and Ben saunters away, his mission of earning the family approval once more accomplished.

Though one can always pray for a life never requiring one to fly into Ohio, sometimes life hands you lemons, and when it does you may have to meet some Lady in Hudson, Ohio. Such was the case for Ben H. this week as he readied himself to meet Caila’s family. The date began with Caila and Ben designing their dream dollhouse and then going into her daddy’s toy factory (EVERYTHING ABOUT CAILA MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW) to actually build one. Ben is super stoked by the original date and says something expected about seeing himself build a house to inhabit with the woman he once described as a sex panther.

Then, it’s off to meet the family: Caila’s dad who looks like he could be running a  Presbyterian church on the side, Caila’s mom, and her little brother. Caila’s mom makes a delicious-looking Pinoy feast while her dad makes an interesting comment about how different it is to be married into a Filipino family. It sounds like he enjoys it but it’s hard to tell without further elaboration. Honestly, Ben looks like he could use a little diversity in his life so it’s probably  great thing that Caila has a mixed background. Although her dad warns her about going too fast — a theme this week but also, honestly, with every single hometown date ever —  the parents are pretty into Ben. Caila tries to muster the courage to tell Ben she’s falling in love with him but in the end, flounders. Let she who has not chickened out of being vulnerable and saying I Luh You first, cast the first stone!

Last but not least, Ben meets up with Jojo in Dallas, that bastion of cultural … just kidding. Dallas is the worst, but here we are anyhow. Jojo returns to her condo to find a bouquet of red roses awaiting her at the door, along with the thick envelope. She sits on her sofa and opens up the letter, giddy with excitement and awe at the sweet gesture. A few paragraphs in, however, Jojo comes to the awkward realization that the letter is actually from her cheating ex. The cameras continue rolling mercilessly as Jojo tries to sort out her feelings before Ben arrives. She calls the ex on loudspeaker and (we think, because the cameras sort of cut off here) tells him that there’s no chance in Texan Hell she’ll get back together with him.  Ben knocks on the door and finds her a bit  more frazzled and less happy-go-lucky the would have ben his preference. Jojo tells him about what just happened and reassures him that they are still good. Hard to tell how much of it Ben buys but he’s here now, so the date should probz go on.

They arrive at Jojo’s home where they are greeted by her parents, her two brothers — one of which is really sucking hot, lez be real here — and her sister, whom you will not see mentioned after this sentence because we never see her again. Jojo’s dad looks really sweet, kind of like a train conductor in a children’s book, although he is actually a poop doctor. Her mom encourages her to go for it and not hold back.  On the other hand, Jojo’s super-protective brothers  aren’t so sold on Ben’s sweet-chile act. Ben the Hottest One and Matt the Second Hottest One feel like Ben doesn’t seem as invested in Jojo as she is in him. And after pressing Ben to elaborate on his feelings and the fact that he could love her after only two one-on-one dates, the brothers conclude that Ben is giving them canned answers.

prognosis on getting a bro-se from these guys: not great.

This may, for realsies, be the most uncomfortable hometown on The Bachelor to date. As for Ben, the more openly suspicious the brothers appear, the more closed off and tongue-tied he becomes, which only exacerbates the lack of chemistry between them. Jojo picks up on her brothers’ coolness to Ben and just prays at this point that they haven’t ruined her chances at Fantasy Suite week. Ben leaves on this note, tail between his legs on so many levels, to mull over the upcoming rose ceremony.

Ben meets the court Ladies back at Bachelor Mansion with three roses on the table next to him. Everyone is appropriately overdressed for the occasion, except for Caila who looks like she picked up the first dress she found on the sales rack at Urban Outfitters. For this reason alone, we should lobby Ben to send her home. Alas, Caila survives yet another day in the Mansion along with Lauren B. and, by some miracle, Jojo. Indeed, the glimpse into Amanda’s life may have proved a tad too real for Ben H. Amanda exits gracefully but does make the point to ask why the fuck Ben would bring her back to LA to dump when he could have just told her in Laguna Beach instead of taking her away from her kids one last fucking time (okayyy the latter part, she omits, but the subtext is clear as day).

ugh boyz are dum

High five, gurl. But also low five, because you’re sad and alone and wondering if you’ll ever be able to find a man who can complete your family 😦

And just so, we end up right back where we started, in LA, though not for long as The Bachelor promises Jamaica for Fantasy Suites week. ‘Til then, stay warm!

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Welcome to Season XX of Never Giving Up on Love!

Hello bee-bee birds, and WELCOME to the 20th season of The Bachelor!

What a time to be alive. To think that it was first in the spring of my eighth grade that our impeccably coiffed, gesture-enthusiastic, suspiciously supportive, and suspiciously ageless host Chris Harrison first successfully coaxed us into embarking with his chosen ones on a quest to find the One True LoveTM with whom to Accomplish Marriage.TM


 

Frankly, it would not surprise me if the only things to survive the apocalypse were cockroaches, my aunt M’s FarmVille requests, and the goddamn Bachelor franchise.

Indeed, for half of my lifetime, Chris Harrison has been sending dozens of bright eyed, mostly white, mostly beautiful, and entirely youthful people — so, clearly the most deserving of romantic love in this world — on epic adventures around the globe with the goal of conjuring intimacy and very real ratings. And lemme tell you: I. FUCKING. LOVE. IT. In a time of winter hiatuses, The Bachelor’s return is, as I have called it elsewhere, the most wonderful time of the year. It is the Aslan comeback to Narnia; it is Jon Snow’s face on Game of Thrones’s season 6 poster; hell, it is Jon Snow’s face on like literally anything.

Over the course of those fourteen years of inspirational television, the most photogenic and least gainfully employed of our love hopefuls have found eternal fame (insofar as the Internet never forgets) on ABC’s B-lister fueled Dancing with the Stars, while many more have graced the pages of the Bachelor’s paper of record, People Magazine.

Season 18’s Bachelor, Chris Soules, jiving with a different blonde Whitney from the blonde Whitney to whom he proposed and with whom he later broke up. Source: Perez Hilton/ABC.

More importantly though, a stunning 16 percent of our couples have made it to that sweet spot between Forever After and The Rest of Our Lives. Oh yeah, go ahead and chuckle. But that’s a pretty darn good track record for a bunch of folks who knew each other for like twelve weeks tops before getting engaged, much of which time they spent secluded from their actual lives, friends, families,  therapists, and anyone else who might remind them that seriously, we are living long enough now so there’s really little reason to rush into a matrimonial endeavor. Okay, except maybe for insurance, which I guess might be a real concern here considering how many of these contestants quit their jobs to find love. But I digress. My point is that  our little statistic is plenty cause to celebrate and never give up on our dreams!

And to usher us into just that, slash to also pretend there is now a purpose to the numerous hours I will devote to this season, I am taking my first foray into the recapping world. Many of you — okay, two — have asked me whether this means you will not have to watch The Bachelor. The answer is yes! I will do my best to keep you abreast of the juiciest parts of the show, while making you feel superior for not wasting your time on such frivolities, while secretly hoping I do a good enough job to have you come back week after week until you feel so invested in the finale you find yourself shamefully emailing your friends to see if anyone would up for “watching this stupid thing together or whatever.” Which, of course, means this entire blog will be crawling with spoilers. Therefore,  those of you who are fellow watchers should enter at your own risk and peril.

Got it?

Great!

Oh, and one more thing. Although I anticipate this blog will get little traction and therefore few comments (manageable expectations y’alls), I still gotta set just-in-case comment rules.

Accordingly, note that this is 100% a space to be cynical, and judgy, and catty, and petty, and shady AF. Basically, you be you. Only, the version of you that does not make sexist or transphobic comments. Like, for you reals. Don’t do it, beebee-birds!

tumblr_m2pkuslh811qcmcji

Alright, alright, alright. Enough talking about talking. Without further ado, let the Recap Games begin!

 

 

Hello bee-bee birds, and WELCOME to the 20th season of The Bachelor!

What a time to be alive. To think that it was first in the spring of my eighth grade that our impeccably-coiffed, gesture-enthusiastic, suspiciously-supportive, ageless host Chris Harrison first successfully coaxed us into embarking with his chosen ones on a quest to find the One True LoveTM with whom to Accomplish Marriage.TM


Frankly, it would not surprise me if the only things to survive the apocalypse were cockroaches, my aunt M’s FarmVille requests, and the goddamn Bachelor franchise.

Indeed, for half of my lifetime, Chris Harrison has been sending dozens of bright eyed, mostly white, mostly beautiful, and entirely youthful people — so, clearly the most deserving of romantic love in this world — on epic adventures around the globe with the goal of conjuring intimacy and very real ratings. And lemme tell you: I. FUCKING. LOVE. IT. In a time of winter hiatuses, The Bachelor’s return is, as I have called it elsewhere, the most wonderful time of the year. It is the Aslan comeback to Narnia; it is Jon Snow’s face on Game of Thrones’s season 6 poster; it is Jon Snow’s face on like literally anything.

Over the course of those fourteen years of inspirational television, the most photogenic and least gainfully employed of our love hopefuls have found eternal fame (insofar as the Internet never forgets) on ABC’s B-lister fueled Dancing with the Stars, while many more have graced the pages of the Bachelor’s paper of record, People Magazine.

Season 18’s Bachelor, Chris Soules, jiving with a different blonde Whitney from the blonde Whitney to whom he proposed and with whom he later broke up. Source: Perez Hilton/ABC.

More importantly though, a stunning 16 percent of our couples have made it to that sweet spot between Forever After and The Rest of Our Lives. Oh yeah, go ahead and chuckle. But that’s a pretty darn good track record for a bunch of folks who knew each other for like twelve weeks tops before getting engaged, much of which time they spent secluded from their actual lives, friends, families,  therapists, and anyone else who might remind them that seriously, we are living long enough now so there’s really little reason to rush into a matrimonial endeavor. Okay, except maybe for insurance, which I guess might be a real concern here considering how many of these contestants quit their jobs to find love. But I digress. My point is that  our little statistic is plenty cause to celebrate and never give up on our dreams!

And to usher us into just that, slash to also pretend there is now a purpose to the numerous hours I will devote to this season, I am taking my first foray into the recapping world. Many of you — okay, two — have asked me whether this means you will not have to watch The Bachelor. The answer is yes! I will do my best to keep you abreast of the juiciest parts of the show, while making you feel superior for not wasting your time on such frivolities, while secretly hoping I do a good enough job to have come back week after week until you feel so invested in the finale you find yourself shamefully emailing your friends to see if anyone would up for “watching this stupid thing together or whatever.” Which, of course, means this entire blog will be crawling with spoilers. Therefore,  those of you who are fellow watchers should enter at your own risk and peril.

Got it?

Great!

Oh, and one more thing. Although I anticipate this blog will get little traction and therefore few comments (manageable expectations y’alls), I still gotta set just-in-case comment rules.

Accordingly, note that this is 100% a space to be cynical, and judgy, and catty, and petty, and shady AF. Basically, you be you. Only, the version of you that does not make sexist or transphobic comments. Like, for you reals. Don’t do it, beebee-birds!

tumblr_m2pkuslh811qcmcji

Alright, alright, alright. Enough talking about talking. Without further ado, let the Recap Games begin!