Week 8: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner!

Greetings, bee-bees!

Welcome to the homestretch, with four girls left and at most two episodes left. Hopefully, you survived Week 7 without a recap. All you need to know is that Emily, occupation:”Twin,” was politely sent home after meeting Momma and Papa Higgins who were none too impressed by her youthful attitude. It was the end of the road too for boring ass Becca was sent, whose maiden vagina remained the most interesting thing about her even seven episodes in. This brings us to Week Eight  and my second-to-favorite leg of this never-ending magical journey after Fantasy Suite week: The Hometowns. This time around, Ben H. will be meeting the families of Amanda, Lauren, Caila, and JoJo.


We start near the ocean in Laguna Beach, which is the only possible someone who looks like Amanda can legally come from, I think. Someone drops off Amanda’s two little girls who are so freaking adorable my uterus could die. Ben is super patient and seems to genuinely enjoy playing with them, as Amanda’s eyes light up with admiration and hope. Thankfully, playtime wears them out and it’s back to birth control time as we witness the flip side of parenting: weepy children crying in the backseat all the way home. Amanda is in her element though and puts her toddler right to sleep much faster than tthe previous episode’s preview montage suggests (we see you, Chris Harrison, you shady shady bat!)

lemme tell you, i LIVE for those silver sandals! #werk

Amanda’s family is super welcoming and asks all the question one might expect of a gentleman entering the life of a young mother, and express so worry that he may not be ready for all this baby jelly. Ben doesn’t give too much away but says he’s open to the whole thing. The rest of the day goes smoothly and Amanda bids him farewell, feeling pretty top-notch about her chances of falling in love and snagging a baby stepdaddy.

Next in line to welcome Ben home is Lauren B., the flight attendant from Portland, Oregon. So far, Ben’s done pretty well with choosing Ladies from hometowns that aren’t a drag to visit (and I says this having grown up in Reno, Nevada so–). Lauren takes him to downtown and shows him one of the city’s “Keep Portland Weird” signs, which for some reason Ben finds hilarious. Oh my gash, someone please blow Ben’s mind and tell him that there’s like an entire show about it! Just kidding. We all know Ben has not befriended enough hipsters to get the jokes. Lauren takes Ben to some food trucks and later to a whiskey library that looks like a perfect place to make out.

spoiler alert: it is.

Lauren’s family is just as you would expect: wholesome, welcoming, worried, white. Mom encourages Lauren to go ahead and fall in love while Dad and Sister are a little more skeptical about the speed at which Lauren is catching feelings. But! By the end of the night, all seem taken in our Bachelor’s light and Ben saunters away, his mission of earning the family approval once more accomplished.

Though one can always pray for a life never requiring one to fly into Ohio, sometimes life hands you lemons, and when it does you may have to meet some Lady in Hudson, Ohio. Such was the case for Ben H. this week as he readied himself to meet Caila’s family. The date began with Caila and Ben designing their dream dollhouse and then going into her daddy’s toy factory (EVERYTHING ABOUT CAILA MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW) to actually build one. Ben is super stoked by the original date and says something expected about seeing himself build a house to inhabit with the woman he once described as a sex panther.

Then, it’s off to meet the family: Caila’s dad who looks like he could be running a  Presbyterian church on the side, Caila’s mom, and her little brother. Caila’s mom makes a delicious-looking Pinoy feast while her dad makes an interesting comment about how different it is to be married into a Filipino family. It sounds like he enjoys it but it’s hard to tell without further elaboration. Honestly, Ben looks like he could use a little diversity in his life so it’s probably  great thing that Caila has a mixed background. Although her dad warns her about going too fast — a theme this week but also, honestly, with every single hometown date ever —  the parents are pretty into Ben. Caila tries to muster the courage to tell Ben she’s falling in love with him but in the end, flounders. Let she who has not chickened out of being vulnerable and saying I Luh You first, cast the first stone!

Last but not least, Ben meets up with Jojo in Dallas, that bastion of cultural … just kidding. Dallas is the worst, but here we are anyhow. Jojo returns to her condo to find a bouquet of red roses awaiting her at the door, along with the thick envelope. She sits on her sofa and opens up the letter, giddy with excitement and awe at the sweet gesture. A few paragraphs in, however, Jojo comes to the awkward realization that the letter is actually from her cheating ex. The cameras continue rolling mercilessly as Jojo tries to sort out her feelings before Ben arrives. She calls the ex on loudspeaker and (we think, because the cameras sort of cut off here) tells him that there’s no chance in Texan Hell she’ll get back together with him.  Ben knocks on the door and finds her a bit  more frazzled and less happy-go-lucky the would have ben his preference. Jojo tells him about what just happened and reassures him that they are still good. Hard to tell how much of it Ben buys but he’s here now, so the date should probz go on.

They arrive at Jojo’s home where they are greeted by her parents, her two brothers — one of which is really sucking hot, lez be real here — and her sister, whom you will not see mentioned after this sentence because we never see her again. Jojo’s dad looks really sweet, kind of like a train conductor in a children’s book, although he is actually a poop doctor. Her mom encourages her to go for it and not hold back.  On the other hand, Jojo’s super-protective brothers  aren’t so sold on Ben’s sweet-chile act. Ben the Hottest One and Matt the Second Hottest One feel like Ben doesn’t seem as invested in Jojo as she is in him. And after pressing Ben to elaborate on his feelings and the fact that he could love her after only two one-on-one dates, the brothers conclude that Ben is giving them canned answers.

prognosis on getting a bro-se from these guys: not great.

This may, for realsies, be the most uncomfortable hometown on The Bachelor to date. As for Ben, the more openly suspicious the brothers appear, the more closed off and tongue-tied he becomes, which only exacerbates the lack of chemistry between them. Jojo picks up on her brothers’ coolness to Ben and just prays at this point that they haven’t ruined her chances at Fantasy Suite week. Ben leaves on this note, tail between his legs on so many levels, to mull over the upcoming rose ceremony.

Ben meets the court Ladies back at Bachelor Mansion with three roses on the table next to him. Everyone is appropriately overdressed for the occasion, except for Caila who looks like she picked up the first dress she found on the sales rack at Urban Outfitters. For this reason alone, we should lobby Ben to send her home. Alas, Caila survives yet another day in the Mansion along with Lauren B. and, by some miracle, Jojo. Indeed, the glimpse into Amanda’s life may have proved a tad too real for Ben H. Amanda exits gracefully but does make the point to ask why the fuck Ben would bring her back to LA to dump when he could have just told her in Laguna Beach instead of taking her away from her kids one last fucking time (okayyy the latter part, she omits, but the subtext is clear as day).

ugh boyz are dum

High five, gurl. But also low five, because you’re sad and alone and wondering if you’ll ever be able to find a man who can complete your family 😦

And just so, we end up right back where we started, in LA, though not for long as The Bachelor promises Jamaica for Fantasy Suites week. ‘Til then, stay warm!

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Week 5: !Bienvenido a Mexico!

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This week, we send our most dysfunctional polyamorous sample across the border to Mexico City. I’ll just be happy if we can get through this whole episode without a culturally insensitive slip of the tongue, but according to last week’s previews there is plenty else to look forward to. Let’s see if Chris Harrison can deliver on the promise of Drama.TM


 

Up Up Up

Even though Olivia’s “gut” tells her that the one-on-one date belongs in her cold little clammy hands, it is with Amanda that Ben would like to “put all his eggs in one basket,” as says the card. The shock this news brings to Olivia is a delight to every viewer on this scorched planet. In Olivia’s view, if Ben is the insurance company then Amanda’s adorable children are the pre-existing conditions: non-starters. And,unfortunately for everyone involved, this setback means Olivia will work harder to Git That Rose this week.

200_sWe soon learn one of Ben’s traits must be gullibility because someone has convinced him that it would be “fun” and “clever” to barge into the Ladies’ common suite at 4:30 in the AM, to see them in their most vulnerable splendor: sans weave, makeup free, con retainer. Or as some like to call it, Fucking Fifth Base DUDE. Thankfully, sunrise Amanda looks like a radiant baby angel as she rolls out of bed effortlessly, leaving some of the other Ladies awake for more hours to spend more hours than usual ruminating the odds that their friend will survive her date (with a rose, not literal death).

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reason #25312749 to never go on reality tv

Ben and Amanda take a hot air balloon ride over Teotihuacan before being dropped into a romantic little meadow where all the birdies and colorful butterflies can surround Amanda like she’s always deserved. This is also her chance to tell Ben her back story, which here involves marrying a very selfish person who partied his way through their short marriage and cheated on her throughout, before she decided to leave  with her two children. Amanda’s baggage is mostly the shame she feels re: divorcing, which is a pretty small baggage in the grand scheme of baggagey things. Ben can get behind that. Plus, it’s refreshing that Amanda has lived through hard times, heartbreak, and marriage: a combo that will do wonders for a person’s maturity and toughness. Okay he doesn’t say that exactly but, like, it’s in his eyes. If anything is clear, it is that Amanda could be a darn good fit for someone with a great sense of loyalty and some Savior Syndrome tendencies like, maybe, I dunno, definitely Ben. One rose for the Lady!

The Way to a Man’s Corazon

Our streak of luck continues as Olivia’s gut proves less accurate than an MSNBC straw poll. The next one-on-one is reserved for Lauren H. Until then, consolation group date! Ben invites Jojo, Jubilee, Leah, Jennifer, Lauren B., Emily, Caila, Becca, and (HAHA) Olivia, to come take an Español as a Second Language class. Jubilee struggles to get her jelly feel under control in the midst of nine other Ladies, while Olivia revels in the opportunities the group date presents to publicly perform Forced Emotional Intimacy at Ben in front of her competition.

Hypercool brother-sister-chef duo Nico and Lula (like, seriously, how are their names even cooler than everything?!) welcome the Ladies at a lively open air market. There, Nico and Lula explain that the Ladies will have to put their dual language skills into practice by shopping for several ingredients in Spanish in order to put together the delicious recipes the chefs will hand them.

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olivia, ben, becca’s hair-why(?), jojo, emily, jubilee, lauren b., jennifer

But there’s a twist! They must work in pairs. As it becomes clear that Ben is walking either toward Lauren B. or Jubilee, Olivia brands him as her partner like he is cattle from her home state of Texas. Our conciliatory boyfriend and associate girlfriends reluctantly give in to avoid prolonging the ensuing awkwardness. Props to Olivia, it’s an incredibly shrewd way to turn this already fun activity into a mini one-on-one date, while fucking with the other Ladies’ heads. All it takes is for Olivia to feed Ben some crickets or to throw her head back in delighted laughter at the right moment, within sight of the other Ladies, for the damage to be done.

If the other ladies seem more adept than Jubilee at hiding just how shitty watching Olivia makes them feel (extra credit to Jojo), it’s because they are. As we long ago unilaterally decided, Jube is way too real for this shit reality. Unfortunately, her inability to summon smiles and giggles fast enough does not go unnoticed by Ben. But more on that later – dundundundun. At the lunch table, chefs Nico and Lula judge each team’s each dish. By then, everyone has loosened up and enjoys the present moment. Mindfulness:1 ; TheBachelor franchise: 0.

The bragging rights for best execution goes to Lauren B. and Jubilee, which cheers the latter right up! Good, we says to ourselves, just in time for the evening portion of the date. Not surprisingly though, it opens with Olivia doing That Thing she does where Ben has barely finished his welcoming speech before she drags him away for her hourly dose of validation.

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Although ordinarily we doubt this would shake much in the dynamics of the evening, this was the night Jubilee intended to grab Ben first. After her missed opportunity, Jube’s mood faces a death spiral. Unaware Ben, meanwhile, comes and goes from the cocktail party, grabbing a different Lady from Jubilee several times over and not thinking much of it. He’s out with Lauren the longest, as he takes her into the street for a short romantic stroll where the two kiss passionately several times. By this time, Jube has gone from stewing and hurting to bad-decisions-Pissed-Off. When Ben comes to grab her from some alone time at last, Jubilee refuses to hold his hand, in front of the whole school of Ladies.
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All … downhill … from here. Jubilee opens with her feels, which are insecure and dark tonight (like, maybe, other nights also). For normal human beings, it is okay to have many “off” nights with one’s boyfriend. In the Bachelor, we think that high count may be at two. Three if your name is Olivia. The questions Ben asks Jube at this point sound more like an exit interview prequel than Caring, but this detail sees to escape Jubilee as she continues to unload. When she asks him if he still sees a future for them, he says he’s just not that confident. Ben even looks a twee angry when he asks her how he’s supposed to feel when she refuses his hand in front of a group. Oh. Noowwww Jubilee realizes that she done effed it up. With the balance of power having this quickly shifted, Jubilee begs him to not give up on her, to give them another chance, to pretend she’s pulling back.

Jubilee tells him that she wants him to still see something in them to which our boyfriend answers: “As hard as it is … and as incredible as it’s been …” And just so, the writing’s on the wall. It’s goodbye to Jubilee, right here in the garden, on the goddamn group date. Like many before her, our last remaining melanin-blessed Lady must sail into the night, along with our dashed hopes of a Black Bachelorette next season. But not before leaving us with the most haunting words as she cries into her newly single hands, “I’m like the most unlovable person in the world right now.”

the-bachelor_video_2735400_362x204_1454373290597This is pretty sober and it sure feels like the episode should end right here, with us processing the fact that this cut-throat path to finding Love is just not right for the Laces and Jubilees of this world (you go take care of your souls, bee-bees! find yourselves some nice partners who can devote the many hours your needs and neuroses deserve).

But this is The Bachelor and the show must go on, starting with Jojo strangely congratulating (?) Ben for breaking up with people “so well.” This touches easily-touched Ben, who then gratefully grants her the last kiss of the group date. When Ben sits back down, it’s time for business. After scooping the group rose off the table, Ben tells us, “I’m going this rose to somebody that I reconnected with; somebody that, I think, had struggled for a while.”

Is it going to Emily whom he is separated from his twin, in front of their mom, the week before? Is it going to Lauren B., with whom he clearly felt a real sense a intimacy just an hour earlier? Is it Jojo, who just worked so hard there is still a trace of brown up her nose? NOPE. NOPENOPENOPE. It’s fucking Olivia, because guess what: there is no God, there is no justice, only “mission accomplished” banners waived by Texas’ worst. And so, the group date ends. Should have named this episode recap: The Blindside.

Lauren à La Mode

Lauren H. (that’s the goofy one) (also the one who thought Jubilee wouldn’t jive with the “soccer mom crowd”) is going on her first one-on-one date with Ben! After rehearsing for a few minutes surrounded by pro models, Ben and Lauren are put into make up, gorgeous clothes, and sent to stalk down the Mexico City fashion week runway with Very Serious faces and gorgeous Pineda Covelin clothes. Seriously, Lauren H.’s boring freakout is worth getting through just to get a peek of the stunning designs!

LAUREN H., BEN HIGGINS

While Lauren’s friends back at the  Mexico City Four Seasons seem skeptical that she’ll will be getting a rose, Lauren is holding it down at dinner and actually opening up. Ben was uncertain there was substance to her because girlfriend is so relentlessly happy and giddy. lauren-himle-1His perspective changes when she reveals that her boyfriend of four years dumped her out of the blue, after cheating on her with three different women including one of her friends. To the sound of piano piano, Lauren says that happiness was a choice for her, a way to do hold on to herself, blah blah blah. It’s actually really touching and a great advice for anyone who’s ever been destroyed by love. Makes total sense when Ben hands her that rose, inviting her to continue on his Epic Journey to Find Love.

Rose Cere—

For the first time in the history of this season, Ben is allowed to complete his welcome speech without the interruption of a Desperada trying to secure her place in Ben’s rose-studded heart. While Ben is talking to one Lady or another at this cocktail party, the camera rolls over to a conversation in which Amanda is discussing a weird dream she had that might have been engendered by some anxiety over her ex picking up her children from her mom’s this week. To which Olivia (for a split moment having forgotten said cameras were said rolling) responds with no light behind her eyes: “I feel like it’s an Episode of Teen Mom. Well you know that show … like—”

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Not that Amanda should have to explain this to an adult woman, but it is an incredibly offensive thing to say. At once, Olivia remembers that her mic is hot, and that this episode will air. She apologizes, leans in and, through Highly-Suspicious tear microdroplets: “I want you guys to know, like, I’m gonna try harder from here on out.” I don’t speak much Spanish but it sounds a lot like Please Don’t Tell Ben What I Just Said.

This is Emily’s breaking point. Carrying her torch of Keeping It Real, Emily goes to find Ben. When it is time to stand in her truths, however, Emily becomes emotional and teary-eyed and annoying (to me). One wouldn’t think it was this hard to tell the man he has sacrificed enough of his group date roses to the Spawn of Satan once and for all. Yet here we are. In fact, Emily takes so damn long in getting the words out that it is impossible to tell just how much she gets out before Olivia strategically interjects with a fucking ring “gag gift.” Hmm. Savage. Also, we’re just mad we didn’t think of it first.

Ok. I’m gonna skip over the part where Emily calls her twin over the phone while UGLY-CRYING  because: NO. Despite Olivia’s best efforts though, Ben’s curiosity is peaked and the man uses his one-on-one time with the other women to do a little due diligence. Soon, Chris Harrison comes back to call the cocktail night to a end. EXCEPT. Ben throws us in for a loop and asks to talk to Olivia alone before the rose ceremony commences, leaving us with all these questions and so little time to figure it out!

Holy Bat-meme!

EMILY YOU ARE GROWN BE GROWN

Does Ben’s gut function better than Olivia’s? Will a rose given on a group date be revoked before the rose ceremony? Specifically Olivia’s rose? Or will he give her One More Chance?
Whatever the answers, promise the collective Ladies’ tears, prepare to be disappointed to your ore.

And on that bright note, farewell til next week. Same time same place!

 

 

Week 4: Home Runs

Welcome back to The Bachelor, bee-bees! I hope you brought a large scarf to bury your faces in because the forces from my living room tonight is cringe, cringe, and more cringe.

The girls finally get to leave the Bachelor Mansion to meet Ben H. in the Capital of Healthy Marriages: Las Vegas. Coincidentally, this is also where EmilyHayley were born and raised. Looking forward to not being able to distinguish these two on their home turf!

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A Not, Not Forgettable Date

“Welcome to Las Vegas, Can’t wait to see you! – Ben,” says the sign outside the Aria hotel and casino, which send the Ladies into a sustained squealing frenzy. If it sounds as though he is talking to all them, personally, its only because the Ladies don’t yet know that the only name on the date card awaiting them in their decadent suite is Jojo’s.

The Ladies watch through their glass cage as a helicopter touches down to scoop up the couple, while they kiss passionately on the heliport. Probably wishing the view from the penthouse suite wasn’t so good after all, the Ladies groan before uneasily retreating from the window. For the first time, we sense the seeds of self-doubt in Olivia and begin to rethink the wisdom of having started working a framed cross stitch featuring her catchphrase: “He Is Mine And We Have Such A Strong Connection And Also He Is My Husband Definitely” this early in the season.

The producers struggle to find meaningful tidbits on this date, and cut to Jojo Opening Up about being insecure after having spent too long dating someone who was clearly dating other people while she was being monogamous. Ben seems genuinely touched that Jojo would share this, and neither really ponders whether The Bachelor model would be the best vehicle for her to get over those insecurities because it’s time for fireworks. The two snuggle up to Ben on the roof of another hotel casino and watch the same fireworks that  the other Ladies immediately notice from their presidential suite. I want to care, I really do, but it’s hard because Jojo is like the human version of a butterfly tattoo: feminine and platitudinous. bored-now

To distract the Ladies from reckoning with the fact that their boyfriend is currently probably kissing under the fireworks, our master of ceremonies Chris Harrison sends a consolation group date card that very night.

A Not-So-Sweet Cake Pop

Caila, EmilyHaley, Rachel-Unemployed, Amanda, Olivia, Jubilee, Amber, Lauren H., and Lauren B. join Ben at the Terry Fator theater. Boyriend’s surprise today includes  putting on a talent show with the ventriloquist Terry Fator, who apparently a bunch of these under-30 (Amber excluded!) Ladies  grew up watching. It must not have been on PBS because IRL Terry Fator seems very comfortable with the concept of making boob jokes using a hyper sexualized puppet.

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what is this, even

“I am not going to fade to the back,” threatens Olivia, our resident confidence booster shot. “I’m not concerned about standing out at all today.”

 

That’s wonderful because it turns out, the Ladies will be opening for his evening show before 1,200 strangers and Ben!

Vegas babies EmilyHaley thank their lucky stars for having been forced into dance class, because it means that today, they can dress up in German outfits and do a synchronized Irish jig without looking like fools. Jubilee plays the cello and Lauren B juggles. Carla belly-dances, before Lauren H. delivers a comedic nursery rhyme in a chicken outfit.

Backstage, Olivia builds up her upcoming her performance before not just before the cameras and the girls, but also before Ben. gallery-1453833691-elle-bachelor-indexBy the time Terry Fator calls Olivia’s name, everyone is eager to see the special talent she’s been touting for the past several hours. To the sound of big band horns, a three-tiered cake is rolled out onto the stage and our self-proclaimed frontrunner Olivia pops out a la Marilyn Monroe.

She actually looks quite fabulous in those initial seconds and the audience — whom Terry Fator has warned us is the toughest in the world — cheers at the mere sight of her. Ben H is all smiles until it becomes obvious that Olivia may have spent more time talking up her routine than actually honing it. Other things Olivia may not have considered: the limiting impact of wearing a sequin thong on one’s already mediocre ability to kick up her legs cabaret-style. With zero talent and stage presence, and many minutes to kill, all we are left with is Olivia pacing the stage paired with a combination of uncomfortable giggling from both Olivia and the audience.


Apparently, prancing with a live pulse doesn’t count as a secret talent. Who knew!

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Ben is visibly mortified but hugs her warmly when she steps down the stage into the audience at the wrap of her performance.

“What part of Talent Competition did she not understand?” asks Terry Fator, as the audience in the theater and every household watching this fiasco jeers in the background. While the Ladies congratulate each other backstage, Olivia runs to a back room labeled Boys II Men and boy do I wish Boys II Men was who we were hanging out with, instead of Olivia have in “panic” “attack” mode. So much crying; yet so little incentive to feel sorry for her.

Ben greets them the Ladies for the drinking part of the group date, rocking his suavest leather jacket. Like a good boyfriend, he cheers them on for being such good sports this afternoon. Then, it’s time to get down to business. Caila pulls him aside first and the two have chat and make out sash, leading Ben to dub a sex panther behind her innocent facade.

Olivia invites Ben aside next, mostly to coax him into making her feel better about bombing worse than Ashlee Simpson on SNL. Ben sweetly tries to act like it wasn’t that bad but before Ben can say more, Olivia gets a taste of her own medicine as another woman interrupts their conversation, forcing her to leave sans closure.

The second passionate kiss of the night belongs to Lauren B. who subtly lets on that she is falling for Ben. The feeling seems mutual and in that moment, it is impossible to not see Lauren B. as a likely finalist. One half of EmilyHayley has just started talking to Ben about what it’s like experiencing the Bachelor in her hometown when Olivia creeps over for a second time, all mopey in her silken dress-bathrobe.

“No, continue, I want to hear this,” Ben tells EmilyHayley when she points out that they are about to get interrupted. But The Bachelor rules clearly require all interruptions on group dates to be heeded so EmilyHayley gracefully gives up her seat to Olivia. “Sorry about that, I don’t know what’s going on,” says Ben  with a detectable twinge of exasperation. Are you cringing yet?

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If not, that’s because you are not watching Olivia spend her entire second shot at redemption repeating that she was not being herself at the talent show today, while Ben repeats that she does not and should not be apologizing to him, thereby spurring more apologizing from Olivia.

It is evident that getting the group rose tonight would really help lift Olivia’s spirits tonight. However, Ben decides on Lauren B. instead. And, if Olivia hadn’t  staked a claim over the most awkward part of the evening, the eekiest moment of the evening would have gone to Amanda who we had to watch recline in her seat in order for Ben (sitting on her right) to hand Lauren B. (sitting on her right) the group date rose and a quick embrace. Ouch.

Til This Date Does Us Apart

The next morning, a large box containing a wedding dress arrives for Becca the Virgin’s one-on-one date. Our blushing bride meets Ben at the Little White Chapel where he gets down on one knee to ask: “Becca, will you marry … other people with me today?” Surprise! Today will be about putting them internet-certified ordainment papers to good use and bringing other couples the gift of 50%-Likely-to-Last-Forever love. The two patiently await for the first couple to walk in and it’s sort of fun to watch them marry the a bunch of people although following five or six couples, we are pretty ready for this date to chug along. On the other hand, Becca, whose personality probably lends itself well to doing the same thing for three hours while still pretending it’s fun, seems to be having a blast.

BECCA, BEN HIGGINSLater that evening, the two discuss her Virginity@26, which Ben takes as a good sign of her ability to commit to things. Ben hints that he likes Jesus too and hopes she’s cool with his decision to bone anyway (spoiler alert: she is). And with the seal of this rose, Ben pronounces thee Becca a Bachelor survivor for one more week.

Parent Trap

The next day starts with bad news in the form of Chris Harrison materializing in the Ladies’ suite to announce an unexpected fourth date this week. Of course, the chosen two are EmilyHaley, effectively turning this into a mini hometown date. Everyone in the suite pretends that a plausible outcome of the two-on-one date includes both Ladies coming back even the outcome is clear as day: Only one Lady will return from this date, if any.

The threesome arrive at “Doxie Crossing,” where the twins’ mom greets them along with her doxie dogges. We start in Haley’s room where too many photos of her and her ex are strewn around the room. After stuffing each frame out of sight while Ben silently watches, Haley sits Ben down to assure him that it’s alright to treat her and her twin like individuals, and that she understands he has to choose at one point. Emily takes him to her room next, where she dives right into convincing him that he has a stronger connection with her than her sister. For good measure, Emily even throws in that Haley has told her (in confidence? heh, who cares!) that she’s been having a harder time opening up to Ben.

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tldr

Ben then sits with Mom to get her take on what makes the twins different. Emily is the bubblier, more dominant twin, she explains, while Haley is more reserved but a lovely person when she opens up. Then, on what is thus far shaping up to be worst date this season — I mean, really, no one’s even pretending to lay out a bowl of peanuts or a glass of wine here? — Ben sits with Mom and the twins to announce his decision. Emily is the twin will return to the hotel with him, while Haley will stay home and root for her sister … at least until ABC airs this episode.

War of Roses

The Ladies are all shimmered and sequined out for the rose ceremony, in which two unlucky hopefuls will be sent home. The mood is a little somber but let’s get real, like Jubilee calls it in her interview, Haley’s departure means less competition. For the rest of us, it also means (1) being able to call the remaining twin Emily with full confidence, and (2) possibly find out what Emily’s profession or defining hobby is beside: “Twins.”

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Jennifer pulls Ben aside first to talk to him, but Olivia is on a mission to get time with her man. “I don’t care about anyone else’s relationship with Ben with mine. I don’t care,” Olivia says like she means it.

In a forceful attempt to make light of having failed to sexy-jump out of a cake once too, Olivia comes bearing a slice of cake to share with Ben. It seems like this would be a good time as any to leave things there, and talk about something more cheerful than her performance on the group date but Olivia gets sucked right back into a pattern of apologizing, which pushes Ben to reiterate that he’d rather she didn’t.

The interaction feels tense and, all in all, like an awfully fragile time for Olivia to aggressively move their relationship forward according to her masterplan. But, undeterred by the fact that the sparks that initially bonded them may just be on vacation tonight, Olivia looks Ben deep in the eyes and decides to unload. “Like I’m completely falling for you. Completely. And it’s the coolest feeling in the entire world and I have no fear to say that I’m falling for you. Olivia is here for you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Ignoring Olivia’s foray into Third-Person Land, Ben grabs her hand and doesn’t say anything before hugging her. Good thing Olivia is a news anchor and not a meteorologist because she ability to read signs, tea leaves, data, and/or body language is virtually non-existent. How do we know? Well, the first thing Olivia does upon returning from this intimate conversation is to tell Jojo that she just told Ben she’s falling for him. Jojo responds that she would never say the magic words unless she felt it was reciprocated. To which Olivia responds, “I mean, it was reciprocated.”

It seems to like a very, very, very generous interpretation of what we just witnessed from the comfort of our homes but at the same time, it is also evident that Olivia believes her own hype. She and Ben are back and that he is hers, lest we ever forget it. “I’m happy. We’re happy,” Olivia adds. “I’m just ready to spread this to my man. This is gonna work for me. I read a lot of novels where everything comes together. I would be shocked if I didn’t get a rose.”

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huh? ok bae.

Good thing Olivia can’t see Ben making out with Caila again, probably as she’s talking into the cameras. Later, Jubilee admits that the ceremony process makes her anxious, which baffles Ben even though this is a not a remotely shocking side effect of living with all the Ladies your boyfriend is simultaneously dating. Still, Ben reassures her that she’s pretty much safe and the talk ends with a weird head hug.

Becca, Jojo, and Lauren B. have a rose, so Ben starts by calling Amanda’s name. Next up for roses are Lauren H., Jubilee, Emily, and Caila. Then, Jennifer, causing a mic’d Olivia to mumble “Seriously?” The Ben calls Leah, leaving AmberAlert, Rachel-Unemployed, and Olivia to pray for the last rose.

Unfortunately, Olivia does get a rose. Although any other Lady of lesser confidence predispositions would assume that by picking her last for the second time in a row, Ben is signaling that she is in fact tittering on the edge of being shipped back to Texas lest she should get her shit together, Olivia decides this can only mean that he is actually saving the best for last. Hmm … there’s that historical southern revisionism when we need it!

But back to business.  In the end, AmberAlert must swallow a third rejection on this franchise, which she takes quite harshly. After gloriously taking off her painful heels, AmberAlert melts into a puddle of tears on a secluded pool chair while she awaits her ride home. It almost makes you forget just how mean she was to Jubilee the previous week. Rachel-Unemployed is devastated too, which sucks because she was really sweet and because it doesn’t seem like she has much to go back to in Arkansas. We’ll miss ya kid — hope you son find a man to whom you won’t be invisible 😦

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bye bye rachel!

And just like that, we are down to our last Black Girl on Week 4, so everything is moving right on schedule! Will Week 5 be Jubilee’s last? And has the time come for Ben to realize that Olivia’s heart is actually a great lump of coal?

Tune back next week and lettuce find out together!

Week 3: Queen Bees

For those of us who watch this show semi-ironically, part of the franchise’s charm lies in its predictability and unthwartable phoniness. Its contestants are seldom complicated and its dates almost never surprising unless something goes awry.


The token Interesting girls, like Ashley S. last season (left) and PortlandMandi this season (right), are usually so “out there” that the adjective just becomes a pejorative qualifier. For whatever reason, their kookiness is played up so hard for the cameras that it is a short slip from cute-but-entirely-unrelatable to straight-up-insufferable. The Bachelor tends to feel the same, and it is rare for Interesting to make it past the third or fourth week on the show.

The second category of Interesting women are the Alphas, which you’ll recall as the women who strut the house with the confidence of whatever popular senior girl intimidated and probably hated you the most in high school. There can only be one or two per season because any higher number would inevitably  lead to an internal collapse of relations in the Bachelor Mansion and we need these women to make it a few weeks. A common trait of the Alphas is their unhealthy sense of possession and jealousy, which usually has escalated to full blown villainism by the time the Bachelor sends her home.

With Interesting choices like these, the show sets us up to root for the vanilla candidates. All of sudden, the colorless crowd looks more and more attractive. We concede to cheer for them, despite the fact that their two Excitement Meter settings are 0 and 100. We ignore the crying, which mostly revolves around The Bachelor or some middle-to-low-grade hardship being recounted in a show of vulnerability that will pass as depth. We make peace with the fact that the Bachelor Bot who will get the final rose will likely have a high-pitched voice, a dainty laugh, All-American teeth, and no professional aspirations to speak of as those departed with whatever limo dropped her off here. And that it is okay because for the most part, the Bachelors themselves are vanillamen who would struggle with more complicated women anyway. It just is what it is and the best we can hope for is that the producers will engender enough  romance though these comically grandiose dates, and drama among the women, to last fourteen more years.

Of course, their job becomes easier as the season goes on. The contestants eventually let their guards down and begin to experience romantic feelings that make it harder to suppress their vulnerabilities and less savory personality traits before the Bachelor, each other, and naturally the cameras rolling around them. Accordingly, the best drama builds upon weeks of pent-up resentment and anxiety. Cliques form and a villain — whose contempt usually well earns the status — is coronated, after which time it becomes acceptable to exercise social control, or in our case spit outright vitriol, in order to put her back in her place to protect The Bachelor’s heart. 203d7eef3e63961365b3ddca6755af86

Tonight, though, we skip ALL the steps and allow things to get real real and real dirty. If I have learned anything from having found myself bawling for five minutes straight while watching this week’s episode, it is that I was Not Ready and that watching this show this late in my menstrual cycle is never a good idea.  Let us now trace back how we got there.

Stuff White People Like: Little Propeller Planes

The day starts with all the women restlessly waiting for Ben to summon them to him. Each appears to be whining about how difficult this process is until Chris Harrison rescues us from this dullness to drop off the one-on-one date card. Lauren B, the flight attendant, is the chosen one. Ben picks her up in a gorgeous convertible, which appears to be his thing this season. Good for you, Ben. You go ahead and milk ABC for all its worth. They drive up to a patch of dirt where a yellow, single-propeller plane takes them up to the clouds and over the Pacific Ocean, which sounds a nice way to die to me. But Lauren B and Ben have a blast, and also the audacity to fly over the  Bachelor Mansion and wave at the women who Very Much know who is in that plane. plane-crashAfter this rather cruel stunt, the love birds cuddle up in a hot tub erected somewhere in the middle of the desert. Then Lauren B and Ben go to dinner where Lauren says she’d love to have kids so she can give them a life that was as easy as hers. Leaving his date’s privilege unchecked (I kid I kid) Ben gives her a rose and takes her to a personal concert where some lady who might be famous sings The Country. This feels like deja vu because it is! Ben planned this exact date with Caila except instead of an intimate plane ride, Caila had to settle for aging B-lister actors Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, whose time to be fair probably cost as much as renting that little plane.

Sock Her

Speaking of Caila, the stir-crazy is setting in. Little Miss Sunshine has a breakdown as the rules of the game “just hit” her and bring her to tears. It is hard to stop our eyes from collectively rolling to the back of our heads because this show has been on air since Caila was in the Sixth Grade, so How Is Any of It A Gahtdamb Surprise.

The card arrives for the group date. Amanda, EmilyHailey, Jennifer, Shoshanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, and Lace, are called to join Ben. Oh, and World Cup soccer champions Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Hara. The pros run the girls through some drills and divide them in two teams, for the first time splitting the twins into individual women. The MVP of the game actually turns out to be itty bitty Emily twin, who stops hella balls as the goalie for the Stars team. The girls are playing super aggressively and Ben comes alive at the sight of such passion. Literally, the man is clapping and jumping and maniacally laughing on the sidelines. This is super refreshing to see and also very attractive because it turns out the stick up his arse is in fact removable. Ultimately the Stripes team takes the win, which unfortunately means EvilOlivia gets to go on the rest of the group date. Rachel goes home injured and the best shot of the night is tiny little mathematician Shoshanna carrying her like into the house like a boss.

AMBER, LEAH, HALEY, LACE, OLIVIA, JAMI, BEN HIGGINS

On some hotel rooftop, Ben congratulates the winning Stripes team over drinks. Before he is done with his welcome speech, EvilOlivia steals him and takes him to one of the hotel rooms from where she waves at the girls because she is The Worst. The girls retaliate by making fun of her fat toes behind her back, a gossip that Jami faithfully runs back to EvilOlivia as soon as she returns downstairs. The latter takes the dig comically personally (“What were they making fun of? My ankles? My cankles?”). No, not the cankles. Just the toes. So helpful, Jami. Ultimately, Ben decides to give the group rose to Amber and EvilOlivia reads way too much into the fact that he taps her thigh as he gets up from the sofa at the end of the night. While this is a perfectly normal interaction to dissect in the safe space of Girlfriends Who Care About You, we note that it is definitely NOT okay to discuss into the camera that will replay your obsessive commentary before thousands of judgy betches like me.

Back at the house, Jubilee is stressing out because this means the one-on-one date will go to FuckingBecca, JoJo, or her. Because the other two girls are really nice and the I’m always happy type, our girl is convinced — rightfully so — that Ben will gravitate towards them and never be attracted to her.  “He has a type, but it’s not me at all,” Jubilee says in tears, to Jojo who quietly acquiesces like that card will definitely have her name on it. This is part one of us all pretending that Jubilee is also not referring to her expectation that Ben will inevitably end up with a not-Interesting white girl. By the time the next one-on-one card arrives, Jubilee’s pretty much given up. That is, until her name is called! SURPRISE!

Queen JuBeelee

Ben arrives in the Bachelor Mansion living room and casually asks, “What time is it right now?”

“You know, just twenty minutes late,” Jubilee answers. It’s a joke, although Ben probably is late. The girls, who are still here at this point, laugh tensely in the background.

Cue Jami — one of the other two light skinned girls on the show — who in her side interview, mimics Jubilee with an emphasis on a neck roll that was not actually a thing. Jami makes sure to adopt a sort of African-American accent in doing her imitation, which is also not really Jubilee’s accent. What am I saying? Did one Black girl stereotype another in an effort to ridicule her just because her sarcasm rubbed her the wrong way? Yes. Shady as fuck. But it gets better.

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jami is the worst

Over the sound of helicopter blades, Ben invites Jubilee to come outside as their ride touches down in front of the Bachelor Mansion. Jubilee is deathly afraid of heights, and turns around to say to no one in particular, “Does anyone want my date?!”

It’s clearly another joke, followed by some light laughter, although the level of earnestness on Jojo’s face as her arm shoots up is a bit disconcerting. After Ben and Jubilee fly away, Caila decides that Jubilee is not appreciative enough of her date and that it won’t go well. Jami declares it “was offensive to listen to,” while Amber decides it was just disrespectful.

“I would be shocked if Jubilee came home tonight. I just feel really bad for ben that he has to sit in that little box in the sky until it’s over,” says Caila with a saccharine smile. Didn’t take very long for this one’s claws to come out.

Jubilee and Ben touch down into a gorgeous health spa nestled in the hills. They start eating and Jubilee spits out her caviar with so little grace that it cracks up Ben. He relaxes too and when it comes up, Ben is surprised that she would be surprised to get the one-on-one date.  There is a lot of unspoken communication here, but I’m pretty sure Ben’s face says, “Nah I like Black girls too, furreal-furreal.”

Their date looks really fun and natural. Ben is not scared off by her sense of humor [while they’re playing, she says, “I’m not playing, white boy,” and also later definitely makes a joke about his big dick? At which he laughs both times. Adorbz]. She calls him out on the fake-ass laughs he serves throughout the season but is excited to see him laugh genuinely on their date. How much life is Jubilee giving me right now? ALL of the life. ALL of it. Then they supremely make out and it’s perfect. Shout out to all my awkward Black girls; this one’s for us.

Over dinner, things get more serious and Jubilee tells Ben that she is the only surviving member of her family and that she has not gone back to Haiti, but that she hopes to with someone special because it’s too much to go back alone. Jubilee and I are crying because this is really fucking real and sad and someone thing I would not wish even on Ted Cruz. Because the game’s the game, Ben must interrupt the moment to give her a rose but for after that they resume kissing and hugging and it’s good that Ben can do that for her because I just want to reach through my screen and hug her and be her surrogate mom even though Jubilee was successfully adopted a while back.

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so many FEELS

The next morning, everyone is Shocked to see that Jubilee has come home. All of them are clutching their pearls. Lauren H “knows that Ben wants a wife who will be friends with all the other soccer mooooms,” which I will try to not read much into but cannot help but feel like there’s a wee bit of bias sprinkled in that statement. Everyone is flabbergasted that Ben can see a future with Jubilee and thus decide to punish her through a round of isolation. “There’s so much tension in the room,” says Amber to the cameras, before she returns to talk shit about Jubilee (who they’ve inexplicably christened Queen Bee) with other women.

Rose & Toes

The rose ceremony opens as grimly as the previous day ended. Ben announces that a couple of family friends died in a plane crash the previous night, and so he finds himself in a rather somber mood. This will be an interesting test, methinks.

“Can I graaaaab you?” EvilOlivia asks, which will be our first chance to see what this woman is made of. Will she ask how Ben is holding up? Will she try to cheer him up or let him vent? No. In true villain art form, EvilOlivia decides that this moment is the right one for her to open with a conversation about her legs, which she allegedly hates all the way down. “People have written blogs, that I have cankles …”  she says, fighting back the tears, “I try to be strong all the time. It’s the scariest thing ever.” Ben tried to give some fucks but in his interview reveals that in that moment, fucks-to-have have departed his body (he says this much more nicely, obvi.). In short, EvilOlivia’s inability to Comfort and makes things not about herself rubs him the wrong way.

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“toes, toes, toes, me me me” – EvilOlivia

Inside the house, the women seem unable to talk themselves down from the irrational haterade they have built against Jubilee while they were punishing her all day. We catch one maddening shot of the gang-up dynamics when Jubilee joins JoJo and Caila in the kitchen, while Ben is busy with other women outside. Instantly, Jojo leaves to “get some lipgloss or something” in a classic Mean Girl move.

But Jubilee, not giving no shits, moves right along and joins Ben outside where the producers have she has set up a massage table to help him relax. The other girls flip their shit, upset that Jubilee would dare take up Ben’s time since she already has a rose. The idea that she might be doing something nice for him does not even cross their little bird brains, so eager are they to swoop in and interrupt. Jami does just that with so much attitude that I literally palmed her face through my phone. AmberAlert decides that it was so rude and so disrespectful for Jubilee to come up with this brilliant idea first. She stalks to the next room to get secluded Jubilee off the couch for a Girl Talk, which I’m pretty sure is code for a one sided dressdown.

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mean girls: emilyhailey, jamie, lace, amber

Shockingly, Jubilee says thanks but no thanks, and so AmberAlert decides she will instead bring the girls to Jubilee who she deems to be acting like a Queen Bee for refusing to be confronted like that. This gang-up is happening if it’s the last fucking thing AmberAlert is doing on this show! Jubilee, who continues to channel my inner self, literally runs away to the bathroom and hides. AmberAlert mimics Jubilee shrug-off to the other girls with, again, an unnecessary  neck roll. Second light skinned girl to do this shady shit where she tries to make an angry Black woman out of a Black woman who is not actually being confrontational.

The whole thing backfires, thankfully, because Ben ends up giving Jubilee more attention as a direct result of AmberAlert’s shenanigans. He huddles up with her in the bathroom to console her and soon enough AmberAlert joins too, but only to tell off a crying Jubilee in front of Ben. She accuses Jubilee of being insensitive when she left for her date the day before and also for not being “grateful.” AmberAlert basically tells Jubilee to toughen up as the girl continues to cry because let’s be real, when you start, that shit is hard to pull back in. Ben tells AmberAlert that he likes that Jubilee doesn’t walk on eggshells and that he likes her little jokes and then they hug sweetly in front of steaming AmberAlert. Pretty sure he regrets giving the latter a rose.

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Lace pulls Ben aside and does the most adult thing she’s done all season by sending herself home to work on her feelings and thoughts, which she has a lot of. Good luck with all that, bee-bee! It ‘s really touching, even as she quotes her own tattoo through her tears “you can’t love others until you love yourself” — Lace) and Ben returns to start the rose ceremony. Nothing to write home about, except for the fact that EvilOlivia gets the last rose. The eternal hopeful and over-confident gal appears to take it as a good sign though, a last-but-first kinda thing, rather than punishment for discussing her fucking toes while the man was grieving. Lesson learned: none. Shoshanna and Jami, who you’ll recall is a terrible human being, are sent home. I hope Jami remains single for longer than she wishes and honestly, send no good vibes to her.


I am excited to see how far Jubilee will go though! And to see EvilOlivia have a meltdown next week, per the previews. On this note, good night and good luck to us all. See you in week 4 of this ginormous waste of our collective times.

 

Week 1. Pt. 2: Twennyfai Shades of Crazy

Best Limo Ride Ever!

The twenty five ladies who will compete for Ben’s heart have finally descended upon Southern California on this balmy night. Hope you enjoyed that limo ride, Ladies! It is probably the last time you will ride one on this show without crying uncontrollably 🙂

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Lauren B.

Okay, here we go. First, there is Lauren B. the flight attendant with an exciting life who is “so s
ingle, it’s so sad!” Lauren is gorgeous though so her version of so-single-so-sad is probably slightly more upbeat than mine. In any event, Lauren gives Ben little pilot wings, which is a cute and normal appetizer for the evening.

Next up is Caila, a software sales rep whose aura reads like a small ball of sunshine wrapped in larger ball of sunshine. Something tells me this woman is the right kind of romantic for this endeavor — hopeless — while also having a fun personality. Although she’s been wrong on love before (as in, shcaila-225x150_ce thought her last boyfriend was her Fate until she saw Ben come out of the limo on TV, and then promptly dumped said boyfriend), Caila is still stoked to see what Fate part 2 had in store for her. And with that she leaps right into Ben’s arms like the tiny jubilant butterfly person she is, in a way that is not available to us girls over the 5 ft 5″ threshold.

Now, before I introduce you Jubilee, our first MagicalBlackGirl, we need to talk about race just a little bit. Traditionally, the Bachelor franchise include 2-4 Black contestants to appease the masses and give the Bachelor or Bachelorette the opportunity to at least look like they would consider marrying a person of color. The three to five weeks in, we turn around and realize the Rose Rapture snatched up all the Black people when we weren’t paying attention. The show’s been going on long enough that we should know the drill. Any Black contestant who thinks they have a shot at being or winning the heart of the Bachelor(ette) or better yet make it past episode five, probably also still hasn’t accepted that Tupac is in fact DEAD and definitely not living in Mexico.

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You see, Ian from Season 19 had three things standing in the way of his Bachelor candidacy: (1) he was an insufferable asshole; (2) he was an insufferable  asshole; and (3) he was Black.

rs_634x1024-151207095412-634-jubilee-bachelor-ch-120715But Jubilee may just have the determination to turn this statistical boat around, folks. This army veteran may be young but she seems very determined to get her Ben, and all I think support war and flags is a thing that aligns with small town values.Plus, I need something improbably to believe in so I am willing to set my personal values aside and root for this girl until limo do us apart. Jubilee, your pick up line may be too long/not worth it for me to retype here, but know that I am on your hashtag team.

Next up is Mandi, the dentist from Portland, who is to be keeping the Bachelor Mansion weird. Besides being reallyyyy into guys who floss, Mandi also had the ovaries to waltz out of that limo with a ginormous red rose perched on her head. I can’t be catty here because this girl Owned Her Shit. Lovely white dress too. Too bad I have been conditioned to associate white outfits and giant red  flow things with menstruation commercials?

I have a feeling Chris Harrison, who I insist is creepier than he lets on, had a heavy hand in the selection of our next contestants: 22 year-old, blonde, identical twins from Las Vegas (whose occupation is literally listed as Twins).

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one is emily, one is haley, idk idc tbh

Ben heartily welcomes the women girls with a Midwestern-sized group hug, and we hear him mumble  as they giggle-and-skip away, “That’s uh- that’s good.” Methinks even the wolf salivated less than this at the sight of Little Red Riding Hood! Funny how cute twins make even the nicest men seem creepy, heh? hem walk away like the wolf watched the little red riding hood.  Pretty cool how attractive twins can make a man of any age seem creepy!

“Can you outdo twins,” ask the twins into the camera as they erupt in synchronized laughter.

“Oh ye of little faith,” says Maegan from North Texas, as she walks in with the most cuddlable contestant/literal one trick pony of the night: a real mini-horse named Huey! OMGLOOGAT’IM. Twins: 0; Huey: 1.

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Now it wouldn’t be a party without a gluten-free nutritional therapist, and who better to fill that gap than Breanne! Ah yes, Breanne. The gluten-free who — inexplicably — shows up with a basket of bread so she may “break bread” with Ben, and yet who — inexplicably — snaps at him when he asks if the bread has gluten in it. WHICH, IT DOES! “Shut up and eat the bread,” says Breanne in so many words. Are gluten-free people always this cranky?

Amanda shows up too who sounds decades younger than her age of 25, but is a real adult, in the world, with that voice. She is a divorced aesthetician who is also a mom of two super cute little girls, which I’m pretty sure is uncharted territory here as The Bachelor single parents traditionally have one kid tops — look at us bending all the rules here! Just kidding. Amanda appears to be raising her daughters in a super gender normative fashion, if her comment that she is looking for a Prince Charming to be a good role model for her daughters is any indication. Oh man, my face literally melted while I typed that sentence. Amandaaaa!!!! Oh, while we’re here. Poll: On what episode do we think Amanda drops the motherhood bomb? Four? Five? Also how soon before Ben lets her go to not keep her away from her children? Someone with compewterskillz please help me incorporate actual polls into my blogs?

Definitely not last and not least is our token named-after-an-object girl, Tiara, whose job description is “chicken enthusiast” and whose chickens are her “human babies.” I henhanced-8588-1452010016-1ave mixed feels about Tiara because on the one hand, this is probably my storyline in 15 years after I squander my childbearing years on unproductive projects like this goddamn blog. On the other hand, I’m scared and angry that this is what happens when we let the bourgeoisie accumulate and pass down too much capital to their children. Tiara, 27, chicken enthusiast is what happens.

Just when you thought we’d get a season without a fucking lawyer, Samantha goes and passes the bar two minutes before popping out of the limo. Let us hope Ben is ready for some Forever After student debt to accompany that Forever After love. Honestly, those loans are probably a longer commitment than Amanda’s two children. Run, Ben, run! Also Sam’s dad died of ALS, which sucks and is super sad 😦 but not as super sad the one liner she fed Ben out the limo: “boxers or legal briefs?”:-(

 

Jennifer is small business owner from Ft. Lauderdale, FL, whose most exciting trait is that in the right lighting, she looks a little like Maya Rudolph pretending to be on The Bachelor.

Jami, our second MagicalBlackGirl, hails from Canada and says that season 20 Bachelorette and fellow Canook told her that Ben has a really really really big [. . . .] heart. I supposed a really really big [. . . .] heart makes a lot of sense for a man who stands at a towering 6 ft 4″ but thanks for looking into it girl!

Our next contestant is Lace, whose biggest fear is being forgotten by Ben H. It may have taken a couple of limos, but our Resident Villain has arrived. After making a totally chill entrance Lace plants a kiss on his cheek, making her the first to kiss Ben. It’s a nice first impression and the planner in me kind of want to see where this goes because Lace also lives in Denver, CO, so Forever After would actually be a very practical outcome in this instance. But for Lace to make it that far, we’re going to need her to  consider drinking less of all the champagne because revealing your true, very cutting/very driven/very aggressive true colors — e.g. telling girls their boobies are too small and also some of them are dumb — isn’t gonna get us too far. Lace? Laaaace? Are you listening, bee-bee- girl?

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Okay, we’ll give Lace a few minutes to Get It Together. Meanwhile, a girl with big lips comes out of the limo and just starts rattling to Ben than she knows everything about him from intensely following him on Instagram, but walks away without giving him her name. It seems strategic, in a Cinderella type of way although as Big Lips walks away, I wonder if Ben will remember to ask it.

Out of that same limo emerges Shoshanna, who does her entire intro in Russian. Although this might be okay for the first episode, cute even, I wonder how small town values might interact with foreigners from the former Soviet Union.

Next up, it is time for our token athlete girl. “HUT HUT HIKE!” Leah exclaims as she gracefully bends over to throw Ben a football and a pickup line that still does not entirely make sense to me. At this point, all signs point to Leah doing very well in whatever competitive athletic challenge will pit her against another woman for one-on-one time date. Let’s just hope she makes it past tonight’s cocktail party. And if not, we’ll always have this.

Just when I think the have reached our rock-bottom, Joelle makes an introduction heavy on the unicorn and light on the  context, while Rachel shows up on a goddamn overboard that unfortunately does not self-combust before she reaches Ben.

Lauren H’s gimmick is to throw to Ben a bridal bouquet she allegedly, supposedly, coincidentally caught just this past weekend. Sure, Lauren. We believe you.

Izzy comes to the party in her pajamas — and out of her mind? — to see if Ben is the “onesie” for her, which Lace slyly tells us is “really fucking special. NEXT.”Someone please check on Jubilee; I’m concerned about just how far back her eyes rolled when Izzy sat down. It’s ballsy but not as much as the “Save the Date” card that Jackie, the gerontologist, hands Ben upon meeting him outside the limo. Ouph. These girls are buh-rave.

Laura, the account executive and authentic redhead representative of this season, tells Ben to call her Red Velvet if he forgets her name. There’s another (not genuine it would appear) redhead, Lauren Can’t-Keep-Track-of-the-Initials-Anymore, is also here.

And finally, Olivia the news anchor from Texas “who might cry she’s so emotional” stares into Ben’s eyes long enough to make us feel like I’m intruding by gawking at them like that. She loves traveling and “giving back” and gave up a good job to find something great.

After most of the Ladies have arrived, Ben calls his parents on the phone to tell them the girls are stunning and that the introduction could not have gone better. Awww — so sweet. These are the kinds of just-because dating check-ins my mama can only dream of. After the call, Ben rejoins the Ladies in the living room for the fun to begin. But before Ben has even finished his welcome speech, Mandi pulls Ben aside and insists on giving him an oral exam. Welcome to the Bizarro world of Bachelor cocktail parties.

Ben is handling everything like a champ, even though giving enough attention to twenty-five ladies at once seems hard. Just when we think we have seen it all, a surprise limo pulls up to the house. Ben has no idea what’s coming, who’s in it, and whether they too will be here for the Right Reasons.

If you will believe it, Fucking Becca — whose most interesting character trait is apparently her virginity — comes out along with Amber who has been on more season than may be healthy at this point. No one is more distraught by the appearance of Fucking Becca than Lace, who tortures herself by peeking behind closed doors as Ben greets the newcomer/relic from Bachelor seasons past.

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As soon as she can, Lace “borrows” Ben from Jubilee and immediately demands a better kiss. Like a cat calmly rejecting a bowl of dry food, Ben politely tells her that he sort of wants to get to know everyone before getting swept up in the physical moment. He is, again, interrupted mid-sentence when Rose-on-her-Head Mandi steals Ben away, leaving Lace to simmer in her drunken heightened emotions. As Lace retells it to other girls, she and Ben were “LITERALLY about to kiss” before the interruption, which sure seems like a generous take on that conversation.

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Sensing blood in the water, the girls vulture around Lace just in time to hear her say she sees right through Mandi. “She is not here for Ben, she is here for drama,” Lace declares authoritatively. A few minutes later, Ben comes to the kitchen to find Lace and finish their conversation. Ben wants to let her know that she is gorgeous but that he wants to get to know her, first, and wanted to clarify things because he wanted to make sure she did not feel rejected. If you must ask, it was actually the fucking sweetest.

And before we know it – DUM DUM DUMDUM! Chris Harrison ominously deposes the First Impression Rose on the table. All of a sudden, the energy changes. Like when you’re ready to go for a jog and you open your email rull quick to find an email from Sallie Mae Student Loans. Y’now the feeling 😦

“How’s everybody doing?” Ben H asks before picking up the rose from the table and getting the fuck out of that Tension Chamber. I would wager the answer is something along the lines of “oh, like shit,” Ben.

But Ben’s head is elsewhere in that moment, as he plucks anchorwoman Olivia out of a group of girls in a separate room and gives her the First Impression Rose. It would seem Ben admires the fact that Olivia left her job for this. If you listen closely to Olivia’s side interview, you can hear say — before she says the rose humbles her — that she is  pretty deserving of the rose because of her sacrifices. Which is, like, what?? Girl, all these beeshes left their jobs for this epic journey of love too. Emma go ahead and file this one to our Red Flag cabinet.

“gimme dat rose” – Joe

Now for the tough part. Who will make it past Night One?! Who will go home thinking that they will never be worthy of love? While I won’t go through the exercise of listing all the Ladies, let’s make a mental note that the first girl Ben calls for a rose was Lauren the flight attendant, which may mean something or maybe not at all, but hey, probably.

Statistically speaking, most of the above Ladies make it. Unfortunately, we have to suffer to several episodes of discussing Becca’s Virgin Identity, and Shoshanna refusing to speak English. Mandi the weirdest, but also maybe rudest,  dentist that ever lived survives the first night too. Lace fumes and titters  the entire ceremony and has almost convinced herself that Ben has forgotten about her, when he calls her name last. Not that I would know, but this probably feels as good as getting picked last on the basketball team in middle school.

Cinderella-no-name’s plan backfires as Ben likely forgets to call her name for a rose. Gluten-free Breanne has to go home too, with her little basket of poison bread. To our dismay, Laura the gorgeous gingerhead is sent home, which is so tragic considering that even Huey the mini horse made it through the first round. “He may not be into redheads,” Laura says incredulously. And although part of us is pretty sure Ben H picked Lauren the fake redhead to go through, we nod sadly and say a secret prayer to the unexpected twist of Fate/Hand of Chris Harrison so that Laura can come back later in the season.

And with this, bee-bees, the night is a wrap unless–

Oh wait, what is that?! Lace demands to talk to Ben with only 2 minutes of the episodes left?! Yes, true story. The ever indulging gentleman (see how quickly he’s growing on me?) allows her to take him aside. And let me tell. you. Lace is p-i-s-s-e-d.

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“I feel like you didn’t look at me once during the whole thing,” says Lace. She really thought she was going home and importantly, again, he didn’t even look at her while he handed roses. Boo hoo. Ben seems tired and confused that this is A Thing and unconvincingly tries to make her believe he wants to keep her on the show.

Sure, Lace is probably right. Ironically, acting like a fucking time bomb the entire night likely earned her a ticket for one more week in paradise because Liability Girls keep us coming back for more. But hello! Ben’s never going to actually admit that he’s only keeping her because the producers are making him. So whyyyy do you insist on making us all uncomfortable right meow, Lace? URGH. And it is on this awkward note that we close up the evening’s festivities, and cut to the season’s highlights, which include:

– a hint that Jubilee-Jane (can we call her that?) and her itty-bitty chest tattoo will stay on long enough to make out in a hot tub with Ben. There will be tongue twisting under the stars, under rainbows, under fireworks, on boats, on planes, on hot air balloons, in theaters, in Paris (?!) and maybe even the Caribbean. Or just Florida if the season cheaps out like they did during season 18. Other things to look forward to: a black eye, the dreaded two-on-one date with possibly the twins (ouch), accusations and lies surrounding First Impression Olivia, “panic attacks,” and Ben bawling on some stone steps.

So saddle up cowpeoples! It’s gonna be a long ride.

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